Follow the breadcrumbs

Before I get to talking about breadcrumbs, I need to tell you a quick story. How funny is it to think about where you were in life?

When I was in college I took a writing class in which you were expected to write four or five pieces to be read and critiqued by your peers around a large round table. The professor was a published female author with flowy clothing and a jet-black cropped haircut. I imagined it would be all Dead Poet's Society and I'd be standing on the table and on my way to writing success by the summer.

Well, you know what? Everyone hated my writing. It turns out, I didn't know what I was doing at all.

This one guy who appeared to know his stuff was assigned to critique my first piece, a cute snapshot of my trip to visit a friend studying abroad in Italy. I poked fun at myself for wearing heels on the cobblestone streets and gushed about how I "had learned so much about myself" while in Florence and Rome. I was telling the truth; I really had learned about myself. I learned that I could be adventurous on my own and that life extended past northeast North Carolina (which is, ironically, where still I live today). Anyways, this guy told me "Amanda, this is good, but it's a memoir. This is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, and end." Um, okay. There went that.

Me learning "so much about myself" in Italy. It really was a great experience.

To another girl he said, "I thought you were developing your characters at the beginning of the story. I thought one was going to be the vessel and one was going to be the wine." I remember thinking How the heck did he get that out of a couple of girls drinking Franzia? (Thinking back on this now, I wonder did that guy even drink wine? The author of that short-story-turned-sorority-thriller could've seriously debated her character with the right knowledge. A missed opportunity, I guess.) I later saw him working at Barnes and Noble one day and decided he was a writing genius.

While the class was a prerequisite for my teaching degree, I believe it may have been the first tugs of encouragement on my heart to begin writing. I have been "beginning" to write for over ten years. I'm still beginning. I recently found my last piece for that class saved on my computer. I never had a face-to-face critique because my self confidence was pretty much shot by then, but I remember my professor emailing me to say how proud she was of this piece, but getting on me for leaving it as a cliffhanger. (I'm including this link to the last submission to my not-so Dead Poet's Society writing class, circa 2007 for anyone that wants to take a gander.) I guess I was finally on the right track.

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Are you familiar with Chrystal Evans Hurst? Here's what you need to know: she's amazing.

The girls in my small group are doing a Bible study with her book She's Still There. There is one chapter in which Chrystal continually mentions "following the breadcrumbs." She believes that God gives us talents and then allows us to develop them and find our own way by identifying the "breadcrumbs;" the opportunities that He has laid out for us.

With the Today Parenting Team highlighting my blog post, the past few hours have been nothing short of exciting and humbling. I have entertained the thought of blogging for years. As a matter of fact, if you look at my history on Blogger, it tells you that I have been blogging since May of 2013. That's over 5 years of nothing. I would revamp my layout, write an introductory post about how I was going to start blogging, and then forget about it.

I'm going to switch gears for a second but it will all make sense, so stay with me. Do you ever map out conversations in your head? Talk to yourself, prep for a debate, or create some sort of awesome fantasy while you are doing something mindless? About a month after I had given birth to my first child I was sweeping my kitchen floor. I don't remember the specifics, but someone (else) had rubbed me the wrong way about just waiting until my son was older or until I had two children or something of that sort. I created an entire stand to take against just waiting. I was going to rock the world with this original idea of enjoying the moment and whatnot. The point is that it took over three years for me to write that blog post. That idea was a breadcrumb that God was laying out for me. I revisited it over and over for three years, each time with more ammo, but never put the words on paper. Breadcrumbs.

That college class that made me feel like an idiot? A breadcrumb.

The time I bought a three-subject Five Star notebook and wrote all of my deepest thoughts and secrets, hoping it would be the inspiration for a novel one day? Breadcrumb.

When I was in the eighth grade and passed a journal back and forth with my best friend between classes, writing poetry, stories, and notes? Again with a different friend in high school? Breadcrumbs.

How about the dream I had that I vowed would be written as a novel one day? How about the years I told my students to remember me and keep their graded papers, because I was going to be famous and they could sell my signature on eBay? BREADCRUMBS!

Y'all! The path has been there the whole time! How many times has God laid out a breadcrumb and I brushed it away? There's not a chance in this world that I followed His voice every time He inspired me to write or simply think about writing! How many times should I have been listening and missed His call?

The screenshot heard across the tri-county area

Last week I decided to revamp my blog for the umpteenth time and finally put that message on paper. I nervously sent it to a couple of friends and received valuable feedback. Then, a little voice led me to the Today Parenting Team site and I shared my post, hoping that it would resonate with someone. Anyone can post on this feed. I knew about the breadcrumbs at this point and I gave my writing to God. I told Him to lead me in whatever direction He wanted to. In the meantime, I would have a creative outlet to express myself. If no one read it, that was okay. I would have an online diary. I was nervous enough as it was to share my blog. There are lots of nay-sayers in this world and my heart wasn't ready to meet them. I'm still not ready.

While getting ready for church Sunday morning, that little voice told me to share my piece with more people. I sent it to my mom, sister, and five more friends. It crossed my mind to put it on Facebook but I became anxious at the thought. Nay-sayers, remember.

By Tuesday night I had a Facebook notification from a college friend. "Amanda Hobbs!! I thought that little boy looked familiar!" My post. Shared by the Today Parenting Team. Liked already. Commented on already. SHARED ALREADY. Is that a crumb or a slice?

My message is to speak your truth! Your words give life! Your goals are reachable! I am not famous; there are dozens upon dozens of articles highlighted every single day on the Today Parenting Team site. I just happen to be one of them. However, what a testament to God's faithfulness! When you think you can't, my dear, He is right there laughing at you. Watch this, He says. I imagine there is a lightning bolt or something of the sort that flies from his hands and BOOM, opportunity is created.

This actual post started as something completely different. I just wanted to tell a funny story about myself and let you read something that I wrote in college. I had the foundation of this post written and saved as a draft. I left to take my son to the eye doctor and by the time I was home and settled, my article had been shared online. What a testament to faithfulness. What a testament to God and His breadcrumbs!

Is there something nudging at your soul? I encourage you to read Chrystal's book, specifically chapter 11. Look for the breadcrumbs in your life. Identify them, call them out, nurture them, then get out there and crush it girl. And when you do, let me know and I'll blog about it.

From a mom of both: My children, you are valuable

Last night some girlfriends and I were chatting about parenthood around my kitchen table, specifically about parenting our children during their pre-teen and teenage years. We related our fears of raising them in a world where they can be exposed to so much at an early age; much more than we would be comfortable with.

It’s scary, y’all.

We talked about uncertainties such as When is the right time to talk to our kids about their bodies and the only people allowed to see and touch them? and When is the right time to talk about their natural changes? (Don’t look at me; my oldest is only three. I most definitely don’t have the answers.)

Then a very taboo question came up. When the appropriate time comes for our sons, how are we supposed to preach “responsibility” and “safety” without giving them the impression that we condone those actions? What a tricky conversation to have, telling your teenager that they should not be sexually active while also wanting them to know that if they were to stray from the pack, if they did find themselves in a situation where their basic human desires got the best of them, that they need to protect themselves. My mind explodes every time I think about it. Scary, I’m telling you.

Then, if possible, an even scarier thought came to mind: how am I supposed to have this conversation with my daughter?

Please don’t misunderstand my thought process here; I value both of my children equally and feel that they need the same guidance from both my husband and myself. I guess it’s just that these thoughts have had 3+ years to brew while I’ve watched my precious boy grow from a baby to a raving (but still precious) toddler. My husband and I have spent years talking about how we are going to raise him, what morals and values we want to instill within him, and how we hope he will react in certain situations. My daughter, however, isn’t even a year old yet. While mixing bottles, changing diapers, and finding pacis, I haven’t had time to wrap my mind around the idea that I’ll have to have these intimate conversations with both a boy and a girl. It was only last night that it hit me, and it hit me full force. There will definitely be some sensitive mother-daughter talks to come.

Whatever conversations the future holds, there is one that I believe is most important to have with my children: the conversation about self-worth.

The conversation about their morals, values, and finding strength within themselves to know that they are enough without the opinions of others. The conversation that leaves them wanting to strive to be their best selves, wanting them to root their decisions within their faith. The conversations that result in their understanding that what they have to offer is astounding, and that they are both a treasure beyond all treasures. As a mother, I want to make sure that I have that private conversation with my daughter and I know my husband feels the same way about our son. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter which parent has which conversation with which child; these conversations are dire.

I believe that it is critical to sit down with our children and talk to them about their value. They need to be told that every facet of them is valuable: their minds, their bodies, their souls, their goals; everything about them is a treasure. Every night when I tuck my son in I tell him the same thing: “You are good, you are smart, you are funny, you are handsome, you are nice, and I love you.” I might not always list those qualities in that particular order, but I am always sure to call out each one. I want my son to know that he is great. It never fails - every night when I tell my son these things he reacts as if it’s the first time I have ever told him. He smiles and hugs me, because it feels good to feel validated… even if you are only three years old.

I will tell my daughter these things as well, and will continue to tell both of my kids these things for the rest of their lives. Trust me, their misbehaviors will not go unnoticed and unrecognized, but I will always validate my children because they need to know that their mom is in their corner. Through the toughest, most confusing times, they will know that I am there cheering them on. They will know that they are loved. And they will know that they are valuable.

It all passes quickly and I refuse to 'just wait'

When I was pregnant with my son I remember telling people how tired I was at the start.

“Just wait until your third trimester. That’s when you get really tired,” they would say. They weren’t lying. But when that time arrived and I admitted to being tired, it was always received with the same prompt response:

“Just wait until you have that baby! You won’t be getting any sleep for awhile.”

It didn’t take me long to recognize the trend I was frequenting; what I like to call the just wait.

Not sleeping well during your pregnancy? Just wait until you aren’t sleeping at all with your newborn.

Tight on cash? Just wait until you’re forking over a small mortgage in daycare.

Boobs hurt? Just wait until you’re nursing.

It wasn’t until I was experiencing the exciting firsts of motherhood that I realized the just wait would never go away. Why?

“Just wait until you have two of them.”

Here’s my question - why must we always wait? Why can’t we embrace the here and now?

Why can’t we be tired?

Why can’t we be broke?

Why can’t we be excited, ambitious, or overwhelmed?

Girlfriend, let me tell you something. It all passes quickly. The first one, the second one, and I’m sure the third and fourth do as well. Yes, the saying is true. The days are long but the years are short.

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I made myself a promise that I would never tell another female to “just wait” again. Do you want to know why? Because it devalues her current experience. There’s nothing quite like that phrase to make a girl feel like what she’s going through isn’t important. It instills a feeling that there will always be something easier, tougher, more enjoyable, more confusing. And while you think you may be helping them, it does nothing more than push the fast forward button on their current experience. Every moment is a opportunity to grow, to relish, to learn. Why shortchange someone’s moment by telling them to just wait for the next?

I can imagine my audience thinking that I’m taking this way too seriously. Point blank: here is the root of the matter.

When I was pregnant with my first child it didn’t take long for the just waits to start flowing. I quickly grew tired of being reminded that there would always be a time when I would need more AC, more anxiety meds, more tissues, more anything. I felt like it totally discounted what I was going through at that moment. When I had my son, people immediately started to pipe up about just waiting until I had two kids. That’s the moment when I knew it would never stop.

That was also the moment that I vowed to never tell someone to just wait.

I just wanted to enjoy my son. Even when I was up at 3 am feeding him, watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air on Nick at Nite through zombie eyes, I still wanted to enjoy him. I didn’t want to think about what it would be like with two kids at that time, because that would mean that this moment would have passed. He probably wouldn’t be snuggled in my arms, asleep; I wouldn’t be watching just one more episode because I had finally gotten comfortable; I might not be admiring his little baby eyelashes because they were just so long and beautiful.

Now that I have two children, I am busier. No, I wasn’t just waiting to be busier, but I knew it would happen. Now that my daughter is here I am relishing my minutes with her just as I did with my son. I know that one day she will be older, more dramatic, more stubborn. But she will also be funnier, and even more beautiful than she is at this moment. I want to enjoy her now and later in equal, lasting moments. I want to breathe her in now, in a year, and in ten years without thinking about what will happen if I’m just waiting for something else to happen. Because if I’m just waiting, more than likely I am missing what is right before my eyes.

This is why I know not to tell my friends, acquaintances, and strangers to just wait.

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This isn’t just for mothers, either, y’all. Working women, don’t wait. You do that thing now. Get that promotion. Reach that goal. Move out of that cubicle. Don’t listen to someone when they tell you to just wait, because you are crushing goals right now. You don’t have time to worry about what will be. You have to do you this very minute.

Ladies, embrace your bodies now. Body issues may be the biggest just wait of them all:

Just wait until you’re my age and…
Just wait until you can’t move like that anymore…
Just wait until you’ve had three kids and…

You can be still, falling victim to the fear of just waiting or you can do your thing now. And whether you are running a marathon, doing yoga, or taking a walk down the street, I can assure you that you’ll have zero regrets that you ignored the nay-sayers of the world and did your thing.

And to the students, yes, you will enter the real world one day. Don’t let anyone tell you to “just wait until you have a real job and blah, blah, blah…” because you know what? You probably are working a real job already - on campus, at Starbucks, or at a company related to your field of study. Are you waitressing? Do you, boo. Babysitting? Even better - flexible hours. And when you get your diploma and secure your first career-status job, your life will not suck. There is life after the diploma. Some of our strongest sisters are raising children, working full time jobs, or doing both while attending school.

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Let’s find a way to embrace the now for how beautiful, overwhelming, confusing, real it is at this very moment. Should you plan for the future? Absolutely. I’m not suggesting for anyone to run free without a care. I simply think that there is something to be said for living life as life happens. We should encourage our girlfriends to do the same. If it’s a beautiful moment, remind them, appreciate it, breathe it in. If it’s a tough moment, tell them it will be okay, tell yourself it will be okay. Know that you are growing because when you embrace the challenging, you become more resilient with every "tick" of the second hand. Be passionate. Take control. Lift your girlfriends up. Lift others up. Don’t tell them to just wait. Tell them to enjoy life, all the way to the last drop. And then when all of that is done, take your own advice and do the same.